On starting the vacuum cleaner ...

After I left the University of Ulster I used to sit in the house all day.

My wife Elizabeth said: "Arthur, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

I said, "OK. Show me the vacuum cleaner."

Half an hour later, I went into the kitchen to get some coffee.

Elizabeth said, "I didn't hear the vacuum work. I thought you were going to use it?"

I said: "The stupid thing is broken. It won't start. We’ve got to buy a new one."

"Really", she says, "Show me: it worked OK the last time."

So I did …

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